Do I Deserve You?
by kath0410
Summary: Quinn arrives at Rachel's performance for Funny Girl, despite telling the brunette otherwise. She intends to stay hidden thinking it best if Rachel doesn't see her, but still gets caught in the end. After the end of the show, Rachel catches her and they talk, and from there arises the answer to Quinn's question on whether she deserves Rachel's love or not. Set in S5E17, Faberry.


**A/N: I came up with this idea while I was thinking of ways to incorporate a Faberry story in the latest episode. At first, I thought of an angsty story from Quinn's POV about just sending the flowers or something. But I've already found like, a couple of stories that used that same idea, so I kept on mulling it over. I decided that I wanted Quinn to actually be there during Rachel's performance, whilst still incorporating the "flower-sending". It's nearly 2 AM here where I live, but my fingers and brain just wouldn't stop. Haha. Anyways, I hope you guys like this story!**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Glee, nor the lyrics to "Who Are You Now?"**

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Quinn walked briskly through the crowded streets of New York, a bouquet of Gardenias cradled in between her arms and chest. She dodged and squeezed quickly in between the harried New Yorkers, somewhat in a hurry herself. She could have gone earlier, but she didn't want that. Well, she did, if only except for the fact that Rachel and the others would be early to the theater.

And she didn't want to be discovered. Especially not by Rachel. She sighed as the thoughts of the brunette assaulted her mind. She'd been in love with her for as long as she could remember, yet she never acted on it. She was afraid of rejection, but she was more afraid that she would lose the friendship she finally had with Rachel if she acted on her feelings.

Avoiding Rachel was very hard, especially when all she wanted to do was kiss the brunette every time they saw each other.

Rachel didn't know that Quinn would be here, that she would be watching her perform onstage. And she was fully intent on keeping it that way and would do everything she can to stop from being discovered by their other friends.

Quinn just hoped that she could bump into at least one staff and ask said person to bring the flowers to Rachel and leave the brunette in the dark about her. She couldn't risk letting Rachel know that she would be there, because she knew that the diva would immediately go and find her and demand an explanation for her behaviour.

She wanted to see Rachel badly, but she felt that she didn't deserve it. She'd been terrible to the diva for years, she hadn't been to Finn's memorial, and she hadn't even approached her when they had their last Glee reunion in McKinley.

Rachel was, and always will be a star impossible for Quinn to reach.

She sighed and pushed the thoughts away from her mind. She rounded down a corner, and finally saw the theater a few meters in front of her. People were quickly streaming inside, and she mumbled her excuses and apologies as she jostled through the crowd and hurriedly made her way to the theater.

She blended in with the crowd and walked inside the theater. She quickly scanned the crowd inside, and she saw a group of people in uniform. Thinking that they might be staff, she approached the group and cradled the bouquet carefully in her left arm as she used her right hand to tap a tall woman with blonde hair to catch her attention.

"Excuse me, miss?" Quinn asked politely as the woman turned around to face her. "Are you a member of the staff?"

"Oh, yes," the woman nodded, "can I help you with something?"

"Yeah. I was wondering if you could bring these to Rachel Berry's dressing room? And if she asks, please don't tell her about seeing me. Just tell her that I sent them, please," Quinn requested, though she could hear the soft beg in her own voice.

The woman looked at her strangely, but ultimately nodded, and said, "Okay. Would that be all?"

"Yes, and thank you." Quinn nodded and gave a small smile.

The woman nodded and smiled back as Quinn gave her the bouquet of flowers. When the woman left, Quinn searched for an empty seat at the back. She found one at the far right, and quickly made her way towards it. She sat down and tugged at her trench coat, watching as the lights grew dim.

_It's about to start_, she thought. The crowd immediately shushed, and down to the front, she could see Santana and the rest. Swallowing nervously, she slouched slightly just in case the others looked towards the back. It was Santana that really shouldn't discover her. The Latina wouldn't let her live it down if she was discovered by her. All she could do was pray that none of them would discover that she was here.

Because if she did, she would have no choice but to see Rachel. And that was something she had to avoid at all costs.

A few minutes later, the curtains rose and the lights on the stage came on. Quinn drew in a deep breath as she waited for Rachel to appear. Music began blaring from the speakers, a clear and crisp sound. Finally, Rachel and a few other cast members graced the stage.

The brunette was wearing a short wig, yet still looking absolutely beautiful and breath taking as Quinn remembered her to be. Her eyes were glued to the diva who completely owned both the stage and the crowd, her ears listening to every note belted out and every word that came out from Rachel's soft and plump lips.

Rachel's strong and pure voice filled the whole theater, and everyone sat still on their seats, mesmerized by the brunette's movements and powerful stage presence. Quinn was being sucked in more and more with each passing second. Rachel moved effortlessly, her confidence evident and shining through. Quinn had known for a long, long time that Rachel always belonged on stage, but she believed in that even more in this moment.

Rachel, the woman she loved, the only person she ever really loved was finally on a Broadway stage for her first performance. Her dreams were finally coming true, and it made Quinn's heart flutter in joy. Rachel always did truly deserve all the best in life; that Quinn always knew, too.

Before she even knew it, the first act of the play was finished. She wasn't aware of the time, all she could do was follow Rachel's every movement and listen to every word sung. All she could see was Rachel. All she could think of, even before, was Rachel.

And all she would ever think of would always be Rachel.

The curtains closed, and Quinn watched as the original Glee members stood up from their seats. She quickly sunk lower and hid her face by pulling her coat upwards to cover it. At first, she was tempted to stand up and follow them, knowing that they would be heading towards Rachel's dressing room to say how amazing and wonderful she was on stage.

But then, she convinced herself that it was better off this way. Rachel deserved to be with someone better, and that person was clearly not her.

All around her, Quinn could hear the excited conversations from the audience. All of them had said the same thing: Rachel was amazing, and that they were glad to be here right now.

And all at once, Quinn's heart soared with pride for Rachel. She never doubted Rachel's talent, not once. The brunette was finally where she belonged; here in New York, on a Broadway stage.

And then, she felt someone tap her shoulder. She jumped up in surprise, and looked behind her.

"Santana," she said weakly. Too late. She got caught by the one person she desperately hoped that wouldn't.

"Q, what the fuck?" Santana whispered harshly, throwing her hands up in the air. "Rachel thought you weren't coming!"

"God, I'm just not a lucky person, am I?" Quinn mumbled to herself as she buried her face in her hands.

She felt the seat next to hers being occupied, and she knew it was Santana. There was no going out of this now. She was wrong to have hoped that she wouldn't be found out. She just didn't have that kind of luck.

"Seriously, Q," Santana said, shaking her head in frustration. "You came here, even though you texted Berry that you wouldn't. Just what the fuck is wrong with you!? She goddamn actually cried when she received the text and kept on saying how much she fucking misses you!"

Quinn grunted and rubbed her head. This was not what she expected to hear. She expected that Rachel would be disappointed, yes, but she never thought that the brunette would actually _cry_. And it made her feel guilty, her heart sinking at the fact that she was yet again the cause for Rachel's tears. Just when she promised that she wouldn't ever make Rachel shed tears again when they finally became friends.

"How did you find me?" Quinn asked, desperate to cast aside the topic.

"With your eyes glued to Berry like that? It wasn't so hard to see you, Q. You were too damn preoccupied, and I just happened to glance at the back. And surprise, surprise, it turns out Quinn Fabray actually came," Santana sneered. "But that's not the point. The point is, why the fuck are you avoiding Berry?"

"I'm not avoiding her," Quinn said evasively as she threw her hands up in the air.

"Yeah, right," Santana said, rolling her eyes. "You send her flowers but you don't come up and talk to her. Right, 'not avoiding,' not at all."

"Just leave me alone, Santana," Quinn said tiredly, her voice pleading.

"No, I'm not leaving until you explain what's going on with you," Santana stated flatly, stubbornly. "You weren't there for Finn's memorial, and the next time you appear, you didn't even try to approach Berry. And you know what? She's thinking that she did something wrong. She thinks that you're pushing her away, like you do with everyone else."

Quinn said nothing and tilted her head, staring blankly into space. No, it wasn't that. She wasn't pushing Rachel away, but now that Santana was saying it, it felt like she was actually doing it. Her stomach dropped with the guilt she was feeling, she didn't realize that she was hurting Rachel again.

"You don't understand," Quinn whispered, her voice cracking slightly. "It's… hard to be around Rachel. It's always been hard for me to be around her. She's just… She's Rachel."

"Duh, she's Rachel," Santana said as-a-matter-of-factly, rolling her eyes again. "But seriously, why aren't you trying to talk to her? This little stunt you're pulling is making her confused and emotional. She's been trying to reach out to you, but you just wouldn't let her. You don't fucking know how she's broken up about all this."

"You really want to know why?" Quinn asked harshly, her hazel eyes blazing with intensity. "It's because I'm fucking _in love _with her, and it's just so hard to be in control whenever she's around. It's like whatever I do, or no matter how hard I try to move on, there's always this string that pulls me back to her. For the love of God, I just can't stay away from her, Santana. And I'm just so sick and tired of hiding what I feel for her that it isn't funny anymore! But at the same time, I just can't tell her. She doesn't love me as more than a friend. And I don't even deserve to let her love me as more than that. I don't… I don't deserve Rachel."

"You know what you are?" Santana hissed, her eyes widening angrily. "You're a fucking coward, Quinn! When it comes to Rachel, you're always going to be this scared little girl, too afraid of letting her real feelings out! I may be a little hypocritical in saying that, considering my history with Britt, but for God's sake, all of us have always known that you were in love with Rachel! It's fucking obvious, and you're just too much of a coward to admit it."

"I'm not a coward!" Quinn growled angrily, her eyes burning with fury.

"With the way you're acting, you're a goddamn coward and you're too damn scared to even admit that to yourself, which is kind of ironic, actually!" Santana nearly yelled. Quinn had the feeling that she really would, if it weren't for all these people around them. She was barely containing herself, too. She was angry because it was true. When it came down to Rachel, she would always be a coward.

When Quinn didn't say anything, Santana just sighed in frustration and said, "Keep this up and Rachel will think that she really means nothing to you. But even though she'll feel that way… she's always going to seek you out. We all know she's not the type to give up so easily, most especially when it comes to you. So if I were you, I'd fix this whole damn mess that you made. I messed up with her too, big time. The biggest fucking mistake I ever did and it hurt her real bad. But you know what, Q? Even though I still think that I don't deserve it, she still forgave me and it's all in the past. There's no mess that you can't fix, so you better damn well fix it now before it grows worse and you both fall apart. Because even though you don't believe it yourself, you deserve Rachel more than you actually think."

And with those words, Santana stood up and gave Quinn a small pat on the back before walking away, leaving the blonde to her thoughts.

Quinn really didn't know what to think anymore. Part of her wanted to meet with Rachel, but another part of her didn't. She was confused, more confused that she had ever been in her entire life. When it came to Rachel, she almost always never knew what to do. It was frightening, the things Rachel made her feel. But what was more frightening if Rachel walked away from her life. She wouldn't ever be able to handle that, but sometimes, she always thought it best if she avoided the brunette as much as possible.

Yet in her heart, she believed that Santana was right. There was no mess with Rachel she couldn't fix. But right now, she still didn't know what to do.

The lights dimmed again, the curtains rising once more and the stage lights bright. Quinn sighed and pushed her confusion away, then turned her attention towards the stage. She looked to the front row, and saw Santana looking at her, a serious look plastered on her face. Quinn just sighed again and looked away. She couldn't deal with this right now.

Rachel graced the stage once more, and Quinn found herself being drawn in once again. Rachel just always had that effect on her, even if she was just casually walking down the halls of McKinley. A flood of emotion coursed through Quinn every time she was with Rachel, and it was always there since she realized how she truly felt for the brunette.

Quinn watched on as Rachel captured the full attention of the audience. She was enraptured by the diva's powerful voice, her graceful and effortless acting. Rachel's acting and singing was marvelous, and no words could begin to describe how Quinn felt that exact moment. But the one emotion that came through was love; she watched Rachel with pride and adoration, her hazel eyes twinkling as she took in the brunette's every graceful movement.

Rachel truly was a star, and Quinn had always known and believed that.

The last song came on, and Quinn could feel the emotion that Rachel put in it at the very beginning. Somehow, in that moment, Quinn felt like it was only her and Rachel in that theater, the other people long forgotten.

_Who are you know,_

_Now that you're mine?_

_Are you something now_

_Than you were before?_

The emotion in Rachel's voice was raw and powerful, and it coursed through Quinn's veins. She found herself pondering the song; was she a better person than she was before? Or was she still the same Quinn in high school; the one who hid her emotions and pushed away anyone who tried to get close to her? Somehow, she felt that some parts of her still hadn't changed.

_She thinks that you're pushing her away, like you do with everyone else, _Santana's voice echoed in her mind. She closed her eyes and sighed. It looked like that part of her hadn't quite changed.

_Are you warmer in the rain,_

_Are you stronger for my touch,_

_Am I giving too little_

_By my loving you too much?_

Quinn swallowed thickly. She was stronger for Rachel's touch. She wanted Rachel's fingers to glide across her face, tracing her eyelids, her nose, her cheekbones, and her jawline. She wanted Rachel to caress her face, to touch her lips with her fingers.

She watched as tears slowly rolled down Rachel's cheeks, those brown orbs filled with so much emotion. Quinn felt a lump form in her throat as she tried to hold back her own tears. Like always, Rachel poured out all her heart and soul as she sang.

_How is the view,_

_Sunny and green?_

_How do you compare it to _

_The views you've seen?_

_I know I am better, braver and surer, too,_

_But you-are you now-_

_Are you someone better for my love?_

Quinn cried silently as Rachel belted out the last note. They were both crying, and for a fleeting moment, Quinn thought that Rachel's gaze locked with her own. She didn't know for sure, because Rachel's attention was turned back to the audience.

Was she now someone better? Could she ever really deserve Rachel's love? She didn't know the answers, because only Rachel could answer them for her. It was Rachel who would ultimately decide if she was worth loving and giving her heart to.

As Rachel bowed, the audience stood up all at once and clapped and cheered loudly. Quinn watched as Rachel beamed happily, and all she could think at that moment was that Rachel really did belong here. She always belonged here, and not anywhere else.

Rachel was happy, truly happy, and that was all Quinn ever wanted for her. If she showed up in front of Rachel now, she was almost sure that she would take that joy away. And she couldn't do that now, just when the brunette's first show came to an end. It was hard, but she had to leave. She couldn't face Rachel. Not after learning that she made her cry yet again.

She thought that maybe Santana was wrong. She didn't deserve someone as beautiful and wonderful as Rachel. She bit back a sob as she watched Rachel disappear from the stage, trying to appear strong. She thought that maybe it was better off this way, if she stayed away from Rachel. But she was sure that she wouldn't ever regret coming this night, not in a million years.

Because she was here, on the first night, the first step to Rachel's career. And to Quinn, that was all that mattered.

She didn't know how long she stood there, but finally snapping out of her daze, Quinn wiped away the last of her tears and slipped out of the theater, carefully avoiding looking at the row where her other friends were sitting. She tugged at her coat as she exited the theater, into the cool breeze that welcomed her as soon as she stepped outside the doors.

As usual, the ever present hustle and bustle of the New Yorkers was there. Quinn pulled her coat over her neck as she started walking, her gaze cast towards the ground, hands in her pockets. She didn't know what to feel, if she made the right choice by not attempting to approach Rachel. But at least, the joyful smile plastered on Rachel's face after the show ended was the last thing she saw before she left.

And that made her feel better, if only just a little.

"So, that's just it?" Quinn froze, recognizing that beautiful voice that she knew would forever be etched in her heart and soul. "You're going to leave, just like that?"

She didn't know what to do. Should she turn around and face her and be brave, or be a coward like Santana said and bolt and run for the opposite direction. Her mind was still frozen over in shock, and she could do nothing but stare in front of her, scared of what was to come.

"Quinn, are you really going to leave me like this?"

Slowly, Quinn turned around and saw Rachel standing right in front of her, wearing a strappy red dress that went a little above her knees and a pair of black pumps. She felt her breath catch in her throat as she looked at the beauty that was Rachel Berry. In that moment, the noise and hurried footsteps of the New Yorkers vanished. It was only Quinn and Rachel in that moment, standing in front of each other, a small distance placed in between them.

Quinn saw the sad look in Rachel's eyes, making her look away in guilt. She hated seeing Rachel so sad, especially if it was because of her. She felt that she should have just run instead, just so that she wouldn't see this.

"Are you really going to just leave things between us like this?" Rachel pressed softly, her voice slightly trembling.

Quinn closed her eyes, trying to will the pain to go away. The only word that echoed in her mind was _leave_. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to do.

"You send me a text that you're not coming, and suddenly, here you are and you just ask a member of the crew to leave the flowers in my dressing room?" Rachel pressed yet again, the slight anger evident in her voice. "Don't you think I deserve an explanation for this, Quinn? I already accepted the fact that you weren't coming, but then, there you were at the back rows, and I couldn't wrap my mind around why you would _lie _to me. Why, Quinn!?"

Quinn could feel the anger and betrayal in Rachel's voice. But more than that, she could also hear and feel the hurt, the sadness, and the pain. She hated it. She hated herself for doing this to Rachel.

"I don't understand you sometimes," Rachel said softly, her gaze cast towards the ground as she shook her head once. "Sometimes, I feel like I still don't really know you. Do I really mean nothing to you at all, for you to treat me like this? All the time, I needed you. I needed you during Finn's memorial, and yet, you didn't show up. I needed you during the last Glee reunion, and yet you didn't talk to me at all? It feels like you're avoiding me, and it hurt me, Quinn. It hurts so much that I can't even _breathe_."

Quinn felt her throat constrict, the waves of guilt crashing in, never leaving. She hurt Rachel too much. This was why she would never deserve Rachel's heart. Not now, not ever. Her throat felt dry. She wanted to say so many things, but she didn't know where to begin. She saw tears stream down Rachel's face as she looked back up, the sight making her heart clench in pain. Still, even when she was crying, Rachel was still the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

"You mean _everything _to me, Rachel," Quinn spoke softly, her hazel eyes wavering slightly. Her gaze locked with Rachel's, and the brunette took a step forward, quietly waiting for Quinn to continue. "I've been avoiding you because it's just so _hard _to be around you. All the time, I just want to hold you close and tell you over and over just how much you _mean _to me. Whenever you're around, I feel my control slipping, and it's so hard to rein it all in. My emotions are all over the place whenever you're near me, and it's just so difficult. I don't want to lose control, because I'm afraid that it would ruin our friendship; that you would walk away from me if I did. And I'm just so terrified of losing you. Nothing has ever scared me more than the thought of losing you, Rachel. That's why… That's why I can't be around you for too long."

"But did you ever even stop to think that it would hurt me more if you continued to do this? Did you ever even stop to think that I care about you just as much as you care about me, Quinn? Because I do. I care about you, and you mean absolutely _everything_ to me, too. It's terrifying to think that you're beginning to leave me, leaving me suffocating. At first, I didn't understand _why _I was feeling that way; being so scared of losing you. You've always been the one to be there for me, you're one of my closest friends, and at first, that's what I thought the reason was. Because I couldn't bear to lose a friend so dear to me. Those thoughts began when you got into that car crash during our senior year. And they never ceased coming, they were always there.

"It was terrifying, the thought of losing you. And then we graduated. We exchanged e-mails, we Skyped each other every week, and things were getting better between us. You always found a way to made me smile, even during my worst days. With Finn, it never felt that way. It was only with you that I could feel that way, and the more that we talked, I finally realized why I always felt so special and cared for only with you."

Rachel paused and took two more steps forward, lessening the distance between them. Quinn breathed in and out, noting the soft look in Rachel's eyes. God, she always did look so wonderful and pure.

"That's why I was so hurt when you said you weren't coming. That's why I needed you so much during Finn's memorial. I needed you to hold me in your arms and make everything feel better. I needed you, more than anything, more than anyone, I needed _you_, Quinn. And I never stopped needing you. And I won't ever stop needing you to be by my side. Because you're everything I need," Rachel finished, her brown orbs strong and truthful.

Quinn stood shell-shocked at Rachel's strong confession. All this time, Rachel needed her. Rachel needed her, because she was in love with her, too. And she felt the same way, too. She needed Rachel, more than anything, more than anyone else in her life. Only Rachel.

She felt tongue-tied, unsure on how to respond. Did she really deserve Rachel's love?

Rachel took the final steps, until they were a mere one inch apart. Quinn's breathing deepened as Rachel looked up at her with those expressive brown orbs. She loved those eyes; they were filled with so much hope and light. A kind of light that only Rachel could ever give her.

"I don't deserve you," Quinn said, shaking her head slowly, believing in those words.

"I don't believe that," Rachel disagreed, shaking her head softly.

"Well, you should."

"Well, I don't."

"Why?" Quinn asked, her voice trembling.

Rachel said nothing and slowly reached out her fingers to trace Quinn's jawline. Quinn swallowed and closed her eyes for a moment, relishing Rachel's tender touch against her cooled skin. Rachel's fingers felt warm against her face, despite the cool New York air blowing that night. Her insides immediately felt warm as Rachel continued to softly stroke her face, as though committing her features to memory.

Instead of answering Quinn's question, Rachel asked in a soft and warm voice, "Did you know that I saved a seat for you? Up front, where you could see me quite clearly?"

Quinn's eyes snapped open in shock. Did she hear that right? Rachel saved a seat for her, even though she said that she wouldn't coming. Rachel still believed that she would come and watch her first Broadway performance, and it shocked Quinn to the core that the brunette could have that much faith in her.

"I…" Quinn began, unable to form the words in her mouth. She couldn't believe it. Rachel just looked up at her and smiled softly, her brown orbs twinkling brightly under the night sky.

"I did…" Rachel said in confirmation to Quinn's unstated question. "I still believed that you would come. And I was right to believe, wasn't I?"

"You have too much faith in me, Rachel," Quinn sighed, shaking her head in disbelief. "That's why I know I don't deserve to have your heart."

"But you do," Rachel disagreed again, her thumbs moving in circles around Quinn's cheeks. "The problem with you is that you don't know how to forgive yourself. You carry the guilt with you for a long time, unable to let go of it. You should forgive yourself, because I've already forgiven you so long ago."

"It's not easy for me to forgive myself, Rachel," Quinn said a little wearily, her hazel orbs filled with sadness. "Especially not after messing things up with you again."

"We mess up all the time, and that's how we learn," Rachel said, her brown orbs softening under the moon's glow. "All I want is for you to forgive yourself. You should learn how to, Quinn."

"See? This is why you're much too good for me," Quinn said, looking directly into Rachel's eyes. "You've always been much too good for me."

Instead of responding directly to Quinn's question, Rachel sang softly, for only Quinn to hear.

"_Am I giving too little, by my loving you too much? Who are you now? Are you someone better for my love?_" Rachel sang ever so softly, her voice thick with emotion and love that Quinn found herself drowning in them. Rachel loved her, too, that she was sure of now. Rachel's voice was like a warm autumn night, filling her with so much love and hope. It was like a cool spring breeze in the morning, with the flowers blooming in fields all around, wonderfully beautiful.

"You're not giving too little," Quinn said in response to the song, "in fact, it's a lot. Too much, because you're so giving." Rachel just smiled softly and stroked Quinn's face. "And I might not be better now, but I will strive to be better for your love, because that's all I ever wanted, Rachel. You're all I ever wanted to be by my side. You're the one I need the most, the one that I'm sure I will _always _need the most."

Quinn sighed softly as she rested her forehead against Rachel's, their eyes fluttering shut, relishing the moment.

"And…" Quinn said warmly, her voice filled with love, eyes fluttering open. "I love you, Rachel Berry."

Rachel smiled lovingly and whispered, "That's all I needed to hear, because I love you, too, Quinn Fabray."

Quinn smiled back for the first time since they talked, and ever so slowly, she leaned in to meet Rachel's lips with her own. Their lips touched, and Quinn felt sparks flying all around her. She felt Rachel's arms wrap around her neck in a circle, bringing their bodies closer together. Rachel's lips were soft against her own, and in that kiss, they conveyed all the love they felt and kept hidden from each other for so long.

After breaking away from the kiss, Quinn held Rachel in her arms, sighing contentedly as Rachel's head laid against her chest. The New York breeze was cool, but with Rachel in her arms, she has never felt warmer than she did now.

And for the first time, she finally felt that she deserved to have Rachel's love.


End file.
